this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
