Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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