The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
