I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
