I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
