Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
