i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
