I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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