this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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