Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
