Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
