I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
