I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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