i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
