how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
