why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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