bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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