I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
