I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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