I'm going to jail i love you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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