Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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