if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
