I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
