PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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