i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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