you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
