i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize