There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
