my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
