look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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