The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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