he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
