its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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