I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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