nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
