I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
