I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
