As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
