He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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