my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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