How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize