I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
