I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
