listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
