yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
