So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize