dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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