my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
