I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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