There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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