the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
