so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
