I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
