Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
