i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
