I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
