My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ttyl tear gas
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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