Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize