Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
