he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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