oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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