it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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