The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
