i already hear my dad disowning me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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