The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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