Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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