I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
