just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
