he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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