How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
