She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
