just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think my vagina is haunted
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
